HOW TO HAVE A SIGHT TEST

Before you see your optometrist, you will have to wait in the waiting room surrounded by outdated copies of every magazine imaginable. This is where you will discover the true meaning of the word "patient".
 
Once you have found the chair, the optometrist will slip a pair of heavy metal glasses on you that look like they have been knocked together by the local blacksmith. Whatever your optometrist tells you, these are not the latest in high fashion.
 
The eye test itself starts when you are asked what the lowest line on the eye chart is. Don't waste time by saying "Printed in the UK". Rather say "What eye chart?" The optometrist will then slide a number of lenses into your special metal glasses and keep asking you whether it is better with this one or that one. This is just to wind you up - they are all exactly the same!
 
Remember, the phrase optometrists hate most is "they are much of a muchness". Say this once too often and they will send you home with a pair of glasses that make you see round corners, and when you complain they will tell you that all glasses are "much of a muchness"!
 
Optometrists also like to ask whether the circles are clearer in the red box or the green box. This is no time to tell them you are colour blind! Just make a choice and go with it.
 
At some stage the optometrist will want to take a closer look at your eyes. While he is staring into your eyes, its important to maintain eye contact, even if you get the unpleasant impression that your entire skull is empty, and he is thinking "oh my, there is absolutely nothing in there!"
 
If your vision needs correction, the optometrist may discuss the benefits of contact lenses over spectacles. You will find this very hard to believe as he/she smiles wearing the latest designer frames.
 
Finally, you will walk out of there with new glasses and crystal-clear vision, and suddenly see that your job, home and family are nothing like you imagined!