IF A WOMAN HAD DONE IT

As we move into Women’s Month, we celebrate the female heroes and pioneers who continue to change the world in so many ways. And while we’re at it, let’s see what might have happened if major moments in history had had a feminine touch...

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, the first words he uttered on the device were: “Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you.” One wonders whether a woman might have put more emotion and enthusiasm into that historic moment. Also, studies show that women on average speak 20 000 words a day - 13 000 more than men. So a woman might have used a few more words to summon Mr. Watson. An adjective here or there, maybe. Or an adverb.

On that note, who invented the WhatsApp group? You know, the one for the soccer league and the bowls club and the old school boys and the cycling group... Don’t think a woman invented those. And who invented the jokes that get shared on those groups? Probably the men who laugh at them... and then share and share and share them.

Speaking of inventors, where would we be without Thomas Edison’s invention of the light bulb? We’d be without light for hours on end until... oh, wait a minute. Let’s stop right there. Loadshedding jokes aside though, we celebrate Edison for his ingenuity. But I can’t help thinking that, if a woman had invented the light bulb, she also would have invented something so men would remember to switch it off. (Someone leave the bathroom light on again?)

Edison is also credited with inventing the first motion picture camera. (Didn’t waste a moment, did he?) And where would we be without the movies? But his early Kinetograph showed films of men punching each other in a boxing ring. If Edison had been a woman, I’m pretty sure those films would have been... well, different.

In terms of history being different, historians have debated for two hundred years about why Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo. Theories differ wildly, but many say it had something to do with “disorganisation” and “miscommunication”. Now, who knows what might have been? Who knows what would have happened under the leadership of someone who makes three school lunches every morning and knows the Monkeynastics schedule by heart? She - yes she - might have had a better handle on things. Oh well, it was what it was. And it gave us a great song. (Thanks for that one, ABBA.)

For all we know, a woman could have conquered her way through the world and built an empire just like Alexander the Great. Except that she would’ve taken care of a few other things along the way. Multitasking probably wasn’t a word in those days. Even if it was, I somehow don’t think it was the men who were doing it. After all, we haven’t really changed as a species.

And finally, imagine a world where someone could win two Nobel Prizes and raise two kids while pioneering the study of radioactivity. Wait a minute... she already did.

So here’s to all the organisers, conquerors, multitaskers and thinkers who we just couldn’t live without.

Happy Women’s Month!